"Life is about relationships; the rest is just details" -Gary Smalley

"It is easier to raise strong children than it is to repair broken men" -Fredrick Douglass

"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship." -Anonymous

"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds onto you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic." -Anais Nin

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." -Anonymous

"We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him." -Anonymous

"Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it." -Hardy D. Jackson

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Intentions Don't Matter and Thoughts Don't Count

How many times have you been promised a surprise or a nice date, only to be let down over and over with the disappointment of no surprise or amazing romantic date? And let me guess, you've stuck by your man, like the great woman you are, in excusing him by saying, "It's ok sweetie, it was the thought that counted."

NO! NO NO NO NO! No more excuses for boys! The thought doesn't count anymore. Whoever said that in the first place?! A real man, your LBD, will follow up on their promises and will not let you down by saying, "I had to work late," or "I'm really tired", but i would have to say that my all time favorite excuses are when there aren't ANY! They just ignore their prior commitments and expect you to just forget that they ever even brought it up, or that the thought was good enough to hold you over for awhile, and usually it does and they get away with it. But ladies, do yourself the favor and take yourself out because the reality of your boy doing it is slim to none. You deserve it! It takes time by yourself to remind you of your goals, dreams, expectations, needs, and really get back to you. Spending just one day a month totally on yourself reminds you of what it really feels like to be taken care of. That special day you plan for yourself, no matter what you do, will help you reconnect with what you really want instead of becoming blindsided to sweet nothing promises that never get carried out. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that there aren't amazing men out there who do know how to treat a woman right and who do enjoy planning dates and trips, but thats the difference between boys and men. Traditionally, men have what my mother refers to as the "care gene". The care gene is something that is instilled in males who grow up to be men, who have the instinct to take care of their significant other and family. Planning dates is just one way a man can feel like a man. It gives them the opportunity to be creative and fun and masculine and it gives you something to look forward to. A man with the care gene will relish in the excitement and wait for the date and will truly be happy by making you happy. These are the men you want in your life, you deserve in your life. These are the prince charmers who enjoy taking care of you, being there for you after a long stressful day, and who respect and admire your hard work and sacrifice you make on an everyday basis and they will also appreciate who you are as a person. And notice that I did not mention that they will completely financially support you. it is important as an independent woman to support yourself. Your man should NOT be relying on you financially either of course, but rather together contribute and create a better lifestyle for yourselves. However, this is a very independent approach to a relationship and is non traditional. In this way of viewing finances in a relationship it is also implied that chores and duties are delegated equally as well. But even in the most equally balanced of financial relationships its still nice to be pampered and taken out by your man every now and then. But as important as your equal contributions are you should also create a separate fund on the side for you own security. DO NOT LET HIM KNOW ABOUT THIS ACCOUNT!! He should only know that if you are not happy that you may leave at anytime and that you are not financially dependent to him because then he will always strive to please you and be the best man he can be by supporting you in other ways other than monetary. The care gene is crucial and should never be over looked. However, this is only one very radical, independent, and feminist way of looking at finances in a relationship and what it means to be taken care of. You only know yourself and your own personal values and beliefs about delegation of duties in relationships and should take the time to evaluate them and what your own definition of the care gene is. But either way the sad news is that it seems like all were finding (no matter what our own definition of the care gene may be) lately are boys and not men with the care gene. And just like they disappoint us in their "at least I thought about it" excuses, they seem to top it off by leading us on with their false intentions.

My sister said to me once, "Come on, you know he didn't have the intention of breaking your heart." DUH! No descent person ever has that intention, but intentions don't matter. What a guy says to you almost 90% of the time has good intentions, but actions speak louder than words.

Let me tell you about a few of my own experiences. The first is about a guy who I thought was the man of my dreams. We dated for two years in high school and he was my first love. Lets call him John. John was AMAZING! The guy every young girl dreams about. The Disney/romantic comedy kind of puppy love. We fell for each other instantly and were practically inseparable. He almost even had the care gene. He was supportive of my goals and appreciated my hard work, but at the same time, when it came down to it he was only there for me when it convenience his schedule. He masked troubles with rehearsed speeched and I never quite felt comforted. The best example of this I can give would be our senior year of high school. John and I had already gone to separate schools and when deciding about colleges we never factored in one another. I would bring up what different schools would mean for us and how would we work it out and he always said the same thing,

"Nothings going to change. It's still going to be me and you. If other couples can do it so can we. We'll find a way to see each other. And I'm not going to talk about this anymore because nothings going to change. Don't worry I'll still love you and we'll still be together."

Well after his "reassurances" I'd reply with a plea of, "John, don't break my heart. Don't leave me stranded here alone with tears rolling down my cheeks... please just warn me if you don't want this anymore. Can't we just please talk about this?" And he always thought i was crazy when I said that and would never talk to me about it any further.

And as you've already guessed, we broke up. To be more specific, he broke up with me out of no where in March and I never saw it coming. I guess you never see it coming when a guy roles over in bed and tells you that he isn't in love with you anymore. It was like a nuclear bomb had gone off in my heart that struck me with initial pain that was numbing. However, since I didn't die, I was left to feel the torturous pain of the diseased heart I still had. My scarred heart is not what John intended to leave me with, but intentions don't matter. He never even made the effort to communicate with me about what he was thinking and his actions were completely contradictory from what he was saying. It was his responsibility as a feeling human being that comprehended emotions to give me some kind of warning that we were going to end things before college. He should have never led my on with this "nothings going to change" speeches and should have sat me down with a conversation of uncertainty. A true man would never give you false hope. A real man will be honest with you if he is unsure about anything, eve if it means that there might be heartache involved. Only a boy will lie and selfishly not communicate honestly with you.

Another example of intentions don't matter is of a guy who will call Bo. Bo, a very environmentally conscious man and seemly honest, sincere, social, and fun guy was and partially still is a guy who seemed/s to have it sorta figured out. (He is a learning process). But anyways, Bo lives in another state, very far from where we both go to school and where we met. Well we had been dating for several weeks and he had met my family and things seemed to be going great. I dropped him off at the airport for break and then for the next week it seemed as though I didn't exist just because I was in a different state. I tried to be ok with lack of communication but I just couldn't handle it. And again, he wouldn't talk to me about the issue. I just wanted to tell him how it made me feel. I wasn't asking for much, just a little text or phone call to say "Hey, I was just thinkin bout you." Thats it, and he said that he simply just didn't know why I needed to know that. Well, to back track a second, Bo was not always so distant. As a matter of fact he was exactly the opposite! He couldn't stop giving me affection, physical or emotional, before he left. His intentions were not to let me down or disappoint me when he decided he needed space, but the fact is he never communicated with me about this. This meant that what he was telling me, without words but rather through his actions was that he didn't care about me or miss me, but in fact this was a miss communication, however it still doesn't matter because my feeling were hurt and I was still disappointed. Had he communicated before hand I would have been able to know what to expect. This is where the down falls always occur, LACK OF COMMUNICATION and there fore lack of action! The action Bo needed to take in this situation was to communicate to me that he wanted to be with his family and by himself to just think without pressure from me. And in most cases thats what needs to happen; the action is communicate.

In conclusion, don't let yourself get caught up in promises or words. Measure character by actions, its a lot more telling.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Men and the Little Black Dress (LBD)

The little black dress, or better known as LBD, has been around since the early 1920's and has become a staple of must haves in your closet. It is a simple, classic, and timeless dress that can be worn for any occasion. The LBD comes in coutless styles, fabrics, and fits and is a true reflection of a womans core fashion identity. But the LBD can be used to understand much more than just a womans fashion sense, it is a great analogy to understand what the perfect man for her is.
To understand this simile of men are like your perfect lil black dress you first have to understand what qualities make the dress and the man alike. Like everyone we are individually unique. Ironic, but true. And since the LBD comes in a number of styles so you can pick the perfect one; the one that you know is the perfect fit, fabric, size, style, and looks amazing on you; you know that no matter how long it may sit in your closet you can pull it out and it will work. Like your perfect man, he is tailored for you. You know that you have great chemistry and work well together (style), he knows how much independence and support you want (fit and size), he knows how to meet your needs and expectations (fabric), and he brings you to a new level of confidence that expands your heart, mind, and soul (LBD). You know that these simple categorical qualities make a man the perfect fit for you, but that doesn't mean that you don't shop around first. And it may mean that you have to shop at many different stores and try on many different dresses, but like the perfect lil black dress you know when you look in the mirror if its the one or not. The mirror in this analogy is the symbol of everything you expect, want, need and deserve. It is the reflection of the deepest and most honest critic; you. The mirror maynot be what you always want to face, maybe because you really like the dress but know that it needs too much tailoring (the man who just isn't compatable with you) or cost to much (the man who is too much maintance and drains you) or just doesn't fit right but its on sale (the man who doesn't meet all your expectations but your settling) or its a great dress but its just not the right size (your expectations maybe met but overall your needs are met and you are left unfufilled). These are all real reflections of reasons we stay in unhappy and unfufilling relationships (on a varying scale of sevarity of course). This blog explores this simile of men and the little black dress and I encourage you to follow it, but this blog isn't only about men because as we all know they are only a number of them out there, but its more so about the difference between boys and men and how to find the right man for you.
What is the difference between a boy and man and what can a boy be compared to? Well if a man is the perfect LBD than a boy would only have to be a consinment shop dress. You think you like the consignment shop dress and so you buy it because you think you can pull out that potential and revamp it into the Cinderella dress that everyone will admire. BUT YOUR WRONG!! That boy will not become a man because you want him to and no matter how much you try to help or change him he will still be a boy. The likely hood of the consignment shop dress turning out to your expectations of being the bell of the ball is mind numblingly low. The amount of alterations needed is a waste of your time. However, it is too tempting and so you give in and buy it and try to make the alterations, but never finish them and there for never get to wear it. Its the perfect similie. Boys are tempting fixer uppers that women cave into because we think we can change them, (the down fall of our nurturing ways) but when we try the fabric rips and your left with a tattered dress and heart. Why go through all that trouble when you could just wait and save up for that perfect LBD.
Again I hope you follow this blog becuase I will explore many more issues that dig deeper into the differences of boys and men, including daily sacrafice in relationships, media influence on men, mama's boys, needs versus wants, talk is cheap, how to maintain your LBD (renewing and maintaining your relationship), and many many more topics. I will use my own experiences and relationships to give great entertaining examples. If you ever have a good example or would like to bring up a subject to explore please feel free. I can't wait to write again!